Schlieren Dots Over Poggendorff Eyes
Odin Meadows
[at the top of the stairs]
[is a painting of a clown]
[with yellow dots for eyes]
Let me get this straight. You think, so you're his halfwit bastard, and you
tell me he doesn’t resent you at all? Not even in the slightest? I mean,
can’t you see it in his squalid eyes? The headaches? The toothaches? The
shakes when you just radiate too much annoyance? What I’m saying is—
You recognize it. I see you nodding your head. It’s just sense to sense.
We’re making sense, kid.
There’s a sickness in this world.
You’ll know it when you see it, {ashes cigarette}
kid. Hell maybe you done seen it. It’s in everything these days, kid. You’ve
got to take what you can get, when you can get it, kid. {puff, long drag} It’s in the
its in the
There’s a quieting, a type of {exhales}
moldering—you see it in the warping linoleum wrapped around the chipboard
counters, the yellowing of threadbare linens, the rattling of what few teeth
are left, rolling loose in their Marlboro mouths.
Look at that pastry shoppe. No actually, on your way to school take the long
way and peep through the windows and note the flipped tables, the piss
stains running down the walls, the fucking inch of dust caked on that shit.
It’s not enough just to fail.
{spits}
Soaked in it, they now gotta drive humiliated past the desecrated vacancy on
their way to the goddamn soap factory with their tail tucked between their
legs reciting the one lesson to take away:
You are nothing
if not useful.
[the clown up-pushes its bishop sleeve]
[snuffs the cigarette out on its wrist]
Obsolescence killed the radio, gutted it on live television. And your
scrawny ass ain’t good for much, kid. You gotta think of something. You
could try hiding his cigarettes, then finding them for him once he gets all
frantic.
Remind him why he keeps you
around. Make him happy.
It’s not that it’s your fault he was born in this municipal ashtray or that
you were either, but it doesn’t make you not an anchor. It’s just what you
are, kid.
{sighs}My advice:
Learn to live with it.
Learn to own it.
It will do you good.
⚬
[at the top of (the top of) the stairs]
[the painting of a clown]
[is grinding its teeth]
You’re telling. So this is all you have for me, kid? {grabs cash}
Let me. Five. Ten. {mumbles} Yeah, you can keep it, kid. I don’t give a shit. Tell me,
You’ve at least been practicing your yellow eyes, right? See, yeah. What
did I tell ya? You see it now. C’mon.
Don’t look so goddamn forlorn. Knowledge is power, kid. Don’t they teach
you that in school?
{laughs}
Yeah, sorry. I know they ain’t teaching ya jack shit these days.
It’s not your fault. {coughs} Fuck. Lemme…
Ain’t none of that going to do you any good anyways, kid. Like sure,
dinosaurs were real, but what does that got to do with you? Fuck algebra,
did they ever teach you how to make a shiv? No, I taught you how to make a
shiv.
You should thank me. Now that’s something that may actually help one day.
They only learn enough numbers to be good little manual laborers, and you
don’t want that. Do ya? I didn’t think so. Thus, if you don't want to end up
hungry, you need to learn how to use the one thing you’ve got.
No, not intuition. Your perception. Put on your dots and find the weak
points. Fucking forget…{sighs} Let me tell you a story:
[the clown pulls out a picture book]
[full of blank yellow pages]
You’re not the first to find me, kid. This here frame used to hang in the
back of an abandoned arcade and a boy, let's call him Boingo. So Boingo
found me and we got along together like shit on stink, or like what, flies?
I don’t know. The point is we had a thing going on, me and him.
Well, one day {flips page}
Boingo found a new clown Ponzo and oh suddenly it’s all. Ponzo is so great.
Ponzo is so fun. Ponzo doesn’t make me hurt myself. I tried to work it out,
tried to knock some sense in. If only he had used the dots like I showed
him…
You see, {sniffles}
Ponzo always had longer— these double-long fingers and he’d never tell
Boingo why. Oh but Boingo found out. And I remember it like yesterday. I
could hear {coughs}
the screaming. To put it short, Ponzo had turned Boingo into a Boingo
bowling ball. He hooked his fingers in Boingo’s belly, then hurled the kid
towards ten trashcans set up like bowling pins and I’ll just say—to Ponzo’s
credit—he got one hell of a strike.
And Boingo?{flips page}
Well Boingo was a bit of a disappointment. {drops book}
The asphalt had stripped his back of skin and the mangling of ankles and
wrists made Boingo obsolete to most purposes.
There was no more use for him.
Never saw him again.
He smokes meth behind Arby’s after closing hours now, spends his days
digging through dumpsters. That’s what happens when you start looking away,
denying what’s in front of you. You know what this world is made of, kid.
You don’t have to listen, but you don’t look like a Boingo to me. I’ll get
you to where you want to go.
Just keep practicing, kid.
Suffering is part of the process.
⚬
[the clown at the top of the stairs]
[is pumping its fist]
[while wagging its balloon cock]
Look who it is. The birthday boy. You ain't little no more, kid. You’re a
man now, by law. Been invited to the fuck parties yet? No? You’ll learn.
Milf pussy is the only upside
{snorts} to adulthood. I’d write that down if I were you.
What? I didn’t—
[the clown pops the balloon with scissors]
[and zips up its parachute pants]
Oh c’mon. You’re old enough now. Too old to get all embarrassed over a
little crass talk. I’m sure you’ve got yourself a gal. Or okay, a guy. Or a
sock. I don’t give a fuck where you stick it.
You should know—
What they don’t want you to know is that the gods don’t care about your
perversions or acts of foolery. If anything, you can use that to your
advantage. All they care is if you’ve still got your eye on the prize. The
rest is fleeting {burps}
incidentals, ephemera discarded by time. The mission is forever. One day
the earth will tremble and everyone.
It’ll be worth it. What comes when. The skin suits unzipping. The
balloon-like upfloating. The misery
{itches ass} incarnate. You won’t, but
you’ll want to see it.
You’ve got to put faith into the process or it comes out wonky.
That is why we must prove our devotion. The pious used to flog each other
silly and now people impale themselves on silicone in the name of pleasure
when they should be bouncing on nail-beds, begging for forgiveness.
They’ve forgotten how pain is a gift, what miracles it can manifest, what
doors it can open, the fissures it can split in the ground and the bulbous
leviathans that seep out ‘em.
I bet you’d like to see their tentacle heads stomp the rec center into
crumbs, but the day will come
when it comes.
For now, you’ve gotta focus, boy. Your body is first and foremost a
tool—once inoculated, can be used as a projectile weapon. Time to inflict
yourself on the world. Look
on the bright side, kid. You no longer gotta eat glass bottles for five
bucks like some cheap whore. You can earn a wage.
No, not a big one, but you’ve got choices. There’s the gas station on Main
or the gas station on Sixth. If they’ll take ya.
Hush, I’m just joshing. {groans}
You’re at that useful age. Pliable like putty before it’s putrified and
hard as a brick. What men wouldn’t give to be half as squishy.
But they don’t know what powers you harness, kid. This ain’t forever. It’s
the first rung on the ladder.
Use the dots to find a sloppy man who wants to use you like a sock, then
once you’ve got his jewels perched between your shears, tell him your
demands. It’s the only way out.
Escape through what doors pain opens.
Collect the guilt like pebbles in your pocket.
⚬
[at the bottom of the stairs]
[you stare up at the clown]
[it’s turned its back to you]
Imma stop you before you start. You don’t gotta say it, kid. I know. Truth
be told, I’ve seen it coming. Life will whisk you away,
take you on pilgrimages,
no use loitering in society’s septic tank, marinating in what trickles
down.
{shrugs} No, I seen it coming.
You know,
I’ve coached many a kid. Most of them end up impaling themselves on
chainlink fenceposts or digging into daddy’s pill stash before truly
developing into a useful body.
They waste their prime of youth chasing snatch or huffing spray paint out
the Walmart bag it came in.
{snivels} But you
you did it kid. Some days, I wondered if you had it in ya. Turns out you
had something in ya. A train ticket so to speak lodged deep in your guts,
just had to stick your fingers down your throat enough times until you puked
it out.
I know you’re scared, wondering how the suit-men operate. You’ll have to
learn their languages, their whole new set of appetites. It'll take some
ingenuity to whet ‘em but you’ll make do.
But you’ll get them gnashing at the bit soon enough. And you always got
your party tricks to rely on in case you get hungry.
No. {shakes head}
No, I truly am not angry. Just reminiscing on all that I’ve done for you,
and how I ask for nothing in return.
I’ve asked for nothing. You don’t owe me anything, kid. I suppose you could
come visit but I know with the price of plane travel and all. The only thing
I’ll truly ask is that you remember.
Remember why.
You’ll do good, kid. {coughs}
The days ahead of you are bright. It’s what you’ve always wanted.
If anything, I envy you.
Your cheeks are so pink, your eyes so wide. I wish I could just… slap them
right off you, but no… Enjoy it.
You’re allowed to enjoy it.
Just don’t lose sight of the target.
[the clown turns to face you]
[yellow smeared under its eyes]
Pretty please.
Don’t forget me, kid.
⚬
[the painting of a clown]
[is right where you left it]
[yellow stains leak from the frame]
Long time no see.
{laughs}
Hush. Don’t worry. No, I get it. No time for me. You’re busy making
something.
Something of yourself.
All for the glory of frabjous day. Coming soon. Soon it will be here. I bet
you’re excited. I’m sure.
No? How…
Don’t tell me you’re pussing out. Has California made you soft? I knew you
were a. No…
No.
No? No. You wouldn’t come all the way to here just to tell me that you’re
pussing out, would you? I didn’t think so, kid.
Let me guess.
You’ve lost your pizzazz? Your panache? Your joie de vivre?
Is that it?
You’ve fucked and sucked, clawed and gouged your way into middle-class
mundanities, but it’s not all its cracked up to be. I know you’ve been
wavering. If you were dedicated, you’d be closer by now. Yes. Yes, you would
if you were truly aligned.
Have you given up your big dream of blowing out your brains on live
television? No. I maybe helped, but the locus of the idea was you, all you.
I helped guide your thoughts to where they wanted to go, but it was always
you pointing the way to the destination.
Don’t {slams hand on frame} fuck me, kid.
Are you dedicated to the goddamn mission or should I start recruiting
another dumbass to do it for me, faster this time—
Wait!
No. Don’t make this— I didn’t mean it, kid. I’m sure I don’t have to tell
you how isolation can warp a person. I’m not being myself.
{blows raspberry}
Oops, silly me. I’m just eager to see your wishes come to fruition is
all.
So you are?
You are going to do it, right?
When was the last time you put on your dots, took a real good look at the
mildew muck under the surface layer? It’s a dry rot, kid. Just because
you’ve been running slightly ahead of it doesn’t mean it ain’t coming for
you. It will creep up on you
when you least expect it.
You’re running out of time, but all you got to do is put them on.
Put them oooooon. No looooooong faces
Nooooooooo.
Loooooooooooooooong.
Faaaaaaaaaces.
[the clown leans in inches from your face]
[you can’t feel its breath but you can hear it]
Go do what you were born to do, kid. You were made for this.
Knock ‘em right out of the park.
I’ll be waiting.
⚬
[at the top of the stairs]
[is a painting of a clown]
[stepping out of the frame]
[creaking down the steps]
[bearing its bouquet]
[of smiley balloons]
[it waddles down the street]
[wades through fields of corn]
[past fields of wheat]
[over miles and miles of rolling hills]
[to a production lot]
[the overhead lights are scorching]
[there’s a nervous bug in your stomach]
[but]
[you see the clown]
[seated amongst the live studio audience]
[with yellow dots for eyes]
[and an up-pointed thumb]
[ready for the show to begin]